There’s less than a week until the end of Lockdown 2 - and we’re preparing to see which tier we will be in.
We feel everyone still needs a bit of cheering up as things remain tough, so we’re keeping the Dad jokes going.
The question is, which tier of comedy would you put these in?
The dentist said to my mate: “Your children’s teeth are in a terrible state. Do they use floss?” He said: “Yes, every day.” He said: “What type of floss do they use?” My mate said: “Candy.”
I’ve got the tailor coming in the morning to shorten my trousers. I hope he turns up.
My mate was so poor when he was younger he once had a birthday party at the local launderette because it was bright and warm. The highlight was pass the Persil.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming….
10 years ago I went to the opticians for an eye test. He asked to look into this big machine & tell him what I could see. I said I can see closed pubs, everyone wearing face masks and people talking about a bloke called Joe Wicks. The optician said I don’t need glasses as I have 2020 vision.
Thought of the day: If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly then how did it fall off in the first place?
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My friend’s teenage son said he knew he couldn’t afford to get him an iPad for Christmas, but he said any tablet will do regardless of the make. He’s going to love his Etch-a-Sketch.
Whenever the artist’s girlfriend is sad he lets her draw things on her body. She gives him a shoulder to crayon.
Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash. “Can you go and get me another one please?” asked Freddie. “Why?” asked the waiter. “I want to break three!”
What kind of noise does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew.
I saw two naked snails having a fight. I was going to break it up but I decided to let them slug it out.
An Earwig football team were going to play a cup match on Saturday and a reserve team player had been told he was a sub. He was really happy but nervous. On the day of the match the manager said: “We’ve run out of numbers so you will be ‘0.’” He was told to get ready to come on and said to the manager: “I’m really nervous.” So the boss said: “Listen to the crowd, they are calling your name.” And the crowd were shouting: “Earwig 0 Earwig 0 Earwig 0, Earwig 0 Earwig 0 Earwig 0.”
My mate’s band decided to release a Christmas record called “Duvet know it’s Christmas.” It’s a cover version.
How much fizzy drink does an exotic bird need? Toucans.
Why are Santa’s deers always wet? Because they’re reindeers.
I’m reading a book about anti gravity. I can’t put it down.
What do you get if you lie under a cow? A pat on the head.
A man went into a hardware store and said: “Can I have 3 bolts please?” The assistant said: “How long do you want them?”
The man replied: “Well to be honest, I really wanted to keep them.”
*If you want to contribute a joke to future editions please email ian.clarke@archant.co.uk.
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